How do we move beyond "thoughts and prayers"?
Thoughts and prayers
A few weeks back we shared a post on the impotence of the phrase “thoughts and prayers” that seem so pervasive today in Christian culture.
Similarly we’ve all seen too many instances when someone’s tragedy was met with messages of “God has a plan.” I recall a friend receiving this sort of message upon sharing with a group that his newborn child had received the diagnosis of a debilitating disease that would require a lifetime of intense medical treatments.
I certainly sent my share of those texts and emails back in the day, thinking I was helping. Thinking I was showing the other person how strong my faith was in the face of terrible circumstances, and that my strength would inspire them to be strong too.
I was so well intentioned.
I was so wrong.
Someone was experiencing perhaps the most difficult moments of their entire lives, a living hell, and I basically told them to suck it up and not feel their feelings. This person trusted me by sharing a tragedy, an intense pain in their life, and instead of offering my empathy I sent them a message that basically left them feeling more isolated.
Maybe there are some people who find these sorts of responses helpful, but I’ve come to realize that most often these messages of “thoughts and prayers” don’t actually provide the support that we think they do. They’re not helpful for many who are grieving.
The reality is we can’t solve their problem.
And yet, those of us who grew up in a Christian culture often have nothing else to offer someone in their time of grief. We were never given the equipment.
So what do we do?
The solution
The solution will be slightly more complex than simply reading this post.
To become fully-equipped at supporting friends and loved ones will require a small investment of time. We have to override our instinct to settle for the quick fix.
But in return you’ll soon be a master at dealing with these sorts of situations. You’ll become a more supportive friend. You’ll feel confident in your ability to truly support those you care about. You’ll find a wisdom and power that’s quite rare in our society.
The solution I’m proposing today is the book There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D. and Emily McDowell.
The authors wrote this book from a place of understanding their own deep loss in life.
Kelsey lost her only surviving parent (and last close family member) when she was 21. Emily was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at 24. Neither received the support they needed at the time, which propelled them to research and engage the topic of providing support to those in need.
The book provides actual scripts for better responses.
The book provides a list of things to NEVER SAY.
The book provides a list of go-to phrases to support others.
The book provides exercises and prompts that will help you increase your empathy.
The book will become a handy reference guide to help you navigate these situations in the future. Overtime you’ll become more and more skilled in responding appropriately.
The book also addresses how to engage with someone when we’re too scared to provide support. We want to help but we just don’t know what to say or do. Or maybe we’re scared we don’t have the emotional energy to fully engage with that person who’s going through a difficult time.
The book will guide you through various scenarios such as how to support someone who’s:
-Just lost a loved one
-Just received a tragic diagnosis
-Struggling to conceive
-Struggling with finding a partner
-Struggling with illness
-Struggling with job loss
-Struggling with weight
-Dealing with divorce
The book provides several cheat sheets of “instead of this, try this…” to help guide you through any situation.
The book also shares several lists of thoughtful gestures you can consider using to support friends or family members.
The book is 250+ pages and serves as both a quick reference and a deep dive on support, empathy, and how to be the friend others need.
The reason we often struggle to hold space for hurting people without “silver lining it” is because it’s too painful to feel those feelings along with them. Empathy requires vulnerability. The only thing that makes someone feel better is to feel that they’re not alone.
To find great friends, be a great friend
I’ve seen a lot written lately about the loss of community that often occurs when someone leaves the church. A congregation can often serve as a built-in community, a group of friends, that requires little effort to create or maintain. The only problem is once we leave this community we often leave many of those relationships behind (whether that’s involuntarily or by choice.)
We all need trusted companions. Research has shown the positive impact of deep friendship on longevity, and the detriments to our health from loneliness. Good friends literally keep us healthier (and alive!)
But to have great friends we usually have to be a great friend. And friendship is a skill. Supporting others when they need it most, in the best way possible, is a skill. If we want to have incredible friends, we must learn to be an incredible friend.
This book will teach you all of this. And do so in a humorous and beautifully illustrated manner.
Be kind to yourself
And remember, we’ve all said things to try and comfort someone that in light of this information might now seem embarrassing or even shameful.
I definitely have. Many times.
But that’s part of learning to level-up in life. We learn lessons by doing the wrong things and we move on, with the goal of trying to do better in future situations.
So make the investment. For your friends. For your family. For yourself.
Have an awesome day! And as always if you found this post interesting or helpful please click the ❤️ button so it can reach others on Substack.
Really thoughtful piece.
We’ve all been there! What a great resource! Thanks!